A Home For Hannah (Reunion: Hannah, Michael & Kate #1) Read online

  Joel leaned back and watched her eyes flutter open, saw the hazy beginnings of passion in their dark depths. “But I won’t push you, Hannah. I won’t do anything more unless I know you want me as much as I want you. Unless I hear the words.” He eased her body close to his and felt her breasts yield against his chest.

  Fear and uncertainty mingled with need inside Hannah. “You should go now,” she whispered huskily.

  “You’re right,” he answered, but made no move to leave her embrace. His hands wandered into her hair, the pads of his fingers slowly massaging her scalp. He heard her struggle to suppress a moan.

  She was drowning in desire, going down for the count. His clever hands drifted down her back, caressing, stroking. His lips settled at her throat, and Hannah knew she was lost. “You can’t stay,” she murmured feebly. And her arms lifted to draw him closer.

  “I know.” Her blouse buttoned down the back. His fingers fumbled with the closures, slowly opening each one.

  “This can’t happen,” Hannah sighed, then her lips sought his as an overwhelming need overcame her good sense. Drugged in pleasure, she let the kiss go on and on.

  Joel was the first to pull back. He wanted her so badly he was hurting. But it had to be her call. “Well?”

  Her mouth was moist from his, her heart thundering its message to her foggy brain. “I can’t afford to get involved with you, Joel.” There, she’d told him. Now he would leave.

  “So you’ve said before.” The blouse was open. He slid the soft fabric over her shoulders, down her arms and tossed it aside. Beneath the thin chemise, her pointed breasts beckoned him. Unable to resist, he pressed his mouth to her.

  A sound came from low in her throat as Hannah buried her hands in his thick hair, urging him closer to her yearning flesh. Physical pleasure was a temptation she’d ignored for years. But she could no longer fight this. She stepped back, breathing hard, fighting for a control that was no longer within her grasp.

  “If you don’t want me, I’ll go,” Joel said, his voice unsteady. “Tell me what you want.”

  She, who had never clung to a man in her life, clung to him now as she looked up. “You. I want you.”

  Chapter Ten

  She’d said exactly what he’d been hoping to hear, that she wanted him. He would take her at her word, Joel thought.

  The light was shadowy, soft and hazy. The room smelled of her cologne, something fresh and floral. Only the sound of their breathing could be heard in the silent room. His heart was beating rapidly, his pulse pounding. He promised himself he would go slowly, think only of her. He prayed he could keep that promise.

  Her luminous eyes watched him, hesitant and aware. His hands moved around back and eased down the zipper of her skirt, letting the garment fall to the floor. Her gaze never left his face as she stepped out of her slippers and kicked the skirt away. But he saw her lower lip tremble and recognized a case of nerves he shared.

  She wanted him desperately, Hannah thought. But could she go through with this? What if she froze as she had before? “Joel…”

  He kissed her then, not wanting to give her time to overthink her decision, to change her mind. Shifting them both, he lowered her to the bed and followed her down. Murmuring softly, he undressed her slowly, his words soothing, reassuring.

  Hannah watched while he stood to hurriedly rid himself of his clothes, then fumbled in his wallet for protection. She’d put herself on birth-control pills for health reasons years ago, but she appreciated his added thoughtfulness. As he turned around, she kept her focus on his broad shoulders, his hard chest matted with dark hair, his narrow waist and strong legs. This was what she wanted, she reminded herself. She wasn’t afraid, only a little nervous. It was just that it had been so long and she was so needy. It had to be better this time. Silently, she prayed she wouldn’t disappoint him, that he wouldn’t walk away pitying her or, worse yet, laughing at her.

  Joel returned to kiss her again while his hands stroked, calming her fears, arousing her everywhere.

  Hannah’s fingers trembled as she touched his bare back, uncertain what she should do, what he’d want her to do. She should have explained, should have told him she wasn’t good at this. Then, as his lips moved to her breasts, she drew in a stunned breath and lost her train of thought.

  Hesitancy fueled by desire changed her from languid to urgent as she felt his hungry mouth trail over her body. Suddenly, she was no longer wavering, her actions no longer timid. She arched into his touch as his hands skimmed along the insides of her thighs. She felt a rush of heat as he maneuvered further, then a surge of passion as he drove her up and higher yet. Cresting fiercely, she clutched at his back as the waves broke over her.

  Jolted by feelings that buffeted her unmercifully, she opened dazed eyes and saw that slow, killer smile on his face. Then he slid down her, his hands leading the way, followed by his mouth, tasting, teasing, tantalizing. No small spot was too insignificant for his loving attention. The satin of her shoulder, the sensitive inside of her elbow, the curve of her waist. Moving with purpose, he trailed lower until he found his target. In moments, he had her whirling over the edge again as she let out a strangled cry.

  Joel was sure he’d never known a woman so responsive, so naturally sensual yet seemingly unaware. He heard her whisper his name, and desire for her raced through his blood. He wanted to show her everything, all that could be. But his own body begged for release as he returned to crush her mouth with his.

  Steeped in passion, Hannah could scarcely think, could only feel. And no man had ever made her feel like this—so alive, so feminine, so desirable. She returned his kiss, wrapping herself around him, letting him know in the only way she knew how that he’d given her a marvelous gift. And he’d yet to get equal time.

  She eased back, wanting to fulfill his needs, as well. All shyness was gone, all reserve shattered. Eyes locked with his, she reached down and guided him inside her. She closed her eyes and tightened her hold on him as he began to move.

  She wouldn’t have believed there could be more awaiting her than he’d already shown her. She felt his muscles tense and bunch beneath her fingers as he took her deeper, took her further than she’d dared hope. More than willing to let him lead, she followed him into an explosion that rocked her to her very soul.

  Joel lay, holding her close, not wanting to lose the closeness of aftermath. He’d guessed from the earlier kisses they’d shared that the tight control Hannah held herself in by day was a facade. He’d felt that inside her was a passion waiting to be set free. He’d been right. But what he hadn’t known was how deeply moved he would be in releasing that passion, in watching her face as she abandoned herself to the moment.

  He smoothed back her hair and saw the light flush on her face as she eased onto the pillow. When her eyes opened, he wasn’t sure what to expect: embarrassment, regret, a need to withdraw from him. What he saw was her slow smile as she looked up.

  “Are you all right?” he asked, needing to hear her say it.

  Hannah let out a shaky breath. “A long time ago, I saw this movie, a beach scene where Deborah Kerr said something to Burt Lancaster that I wasn’t sure I understood. She said, ‘I never knew it could be like this.’ Now, I understand.” She reached to touch his face, thinking how much he’d changed her world today. “Thank you. I didn’t know, either, not until you.”

  Joel found himself deeply moved. What kind of men had she known in the past? Still, he had to admit it pleased him to be the one to show her more. “I’m glad.” He touched his lips to her mouth, still moist from his kisses.

  Hesitancy crept back into her suddenly wavering gaze. “Was I…that is, was everything all right for you?” Lord, but this was awkward. Maybe she never should have asked. Would he even tell her the truth? “I mean, I know I’m a long way from being an expert and…”

  “Who said? Honey, making love has a lot more to do with feelings than technique. I care about you and it shows. And I believe you care, too, b
ut you’re afraid to admit it.”

  He was right. She did care and she didn’t want to admit it. But she was still worried. She searched his eyes, wondering what he was really thinking.

  “What is it, Hannah? Certainly, after what we just did, you can ask me anything.”

  “No, just forget it.” Shifting from him, she sat up, pulling the sheet around her, feeling suddenly exposed.

  “I’m not going to forget it.” He touched her chin, forcing her to look at him. “What did you mean?”

  It amazed her that he could be so boldly naked and yet unconcerned about it. She shrugged. “It’s not important. It happened a long time ago.”

  If a memory could so easily overshadow the obvious glow of their lovemaking, then it damn well was important. “I want to know. Tell me.”

  Hannah ran a hand through her hair, shoving it back, then rearranged the pillows behind her head and lay back. “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Yes, you can.” He shifted closer to her. “You can tell me anything, and it won’t change how I feel about you. Don’t you know by now that I love you, Hannah?”

  Her eyes widened, then looked frightened. She sat up again, shaking her head. “Don’t! Don’t say that. I don’t want you to say things like that when I know you don’t mean them.”

  “I do mean them. Why are you afraid to hear them?”

  She covered her face with her hands, but there was nowhere to hide. “Because men say those words too casually just to get what they want. Then, when things get sticky or they’re ready to move on, you realize it’s all been a lie.” She lay back down, feeling drained. She should have known this would happen, should never have let things go so far.

  Joel leaned over her, his face inches from hers. “I never say what I don’t mean. I’ve never told another woman that I loved her. Do you believe that?”

  She blinked up at him, desperate to believe him but afraid. “I want to….”

  “You should.” He took her hand, held it in both of his. “I’ve wanted you since the day I walked into Will’s office and you were so spitfire angry beneath your good manners because I hadn’t told you who I was. Maybe I didn’t fall in love with you that day. Maybe it was a week later when I saw you fighting so hard to get justice for that girl who’d been raped. Or the evening I found you buying diapers for kids whose father couldn’t seem to bother. Or the night I spent holding you in this very bed when you were too sick to object. I don’t know what day it happened, or what instant. I only know it happened, lady. I love you, and you’re stuck with that.”

  She couldn’t say a word, couldn’t. She hadn’t counted on this, afraid of still another disappointment. Now that he’d said words that should have cheered her, she felt like weeping. “You’d be better off with someone who wasn’t so screwed up inside,” she said softly.

  Propping himself on one elbow, Joel frowned. “How are you screwed up? I’ve told you how much I care. Now, it’s your turn. Talk to me, Hannah. Tell me about the man who hurt you.”

  Could she? She hadn’t talked about Paul in years. It was such a risk, opening herself up like that. “There’s something about me, something that happened, that I never speak of. If I tell, you might not understand, might not believe me.”

  He curled his fingers around hers. “Take a chance, Hannah. Trust me to understand. I love you.”

  Maybe he would understand. Maybe he, too, would leave her. Having come this far, she would have to take that risk. Better now than later, when her feelings for him would be so strong she might never recover.

  She stared at their joined hands as she began. “I was nineteen years old, in my junior year at Michigan State on scholarship, living on campus except summers, when I went back to the Murrays. I met this fellow, Paul Lawson. He wasn’t particularly handsome, though he was tall and had nice brown hair. He didn’t have pots of money and he wasn’t a jock. His mother was on the faculty, an assistant professor, and his father was an accountant. But he had one thing going for him that I couldn’t resist—he seemed to like me a lot.”

  She sent him an embarrassed look. “I hadn’t dated much. I worked two jobs and with school, that didn’t leave much time. I turned him down at first, but he persisted. Finally, I gave in. We went to a concert, then movies, a local play. Paul was fun to talk with and quite intelligent. I guess I was a case of arrested development. I fell like a ton of bricks. It didn’t take much for him to talk me into his bed.”

  “That was the first time for you?” Joel asked.

  “Yes, the first time. I didn’t get much out of it physically, but I liked being wanted. He told me repeatedly that he loved me, and, sap that I was, I believed him. Paul had his own apartment, and I’d skip a class and meet him there. I convinced myself I was in love, and maybe I was. With love, not with Paul. A big difference.”

  “You wouldn’t be the first, nor the last.”

  “Sad, but true. At any rate, after a couple of months, I realized I was pregnant.” She looked at him. “Yes, I knew about birth control, but I was naive enough to trust him to take care of it. I was too timid to go to a doctor and get on the Pill. I don’t know what happened, really, because he used condoms.”

  “Nothing’s foolproof.”

  “I found that out the hard way. When I told Paul I was pregnant, he changed into this person I didn’t recognize. He became hard, even cruel. He said he’d always used a condom so I had to have been with another guy. I swore I hadn’t, which was the truth. He wouldn’t believe me.”

  Joel clamped down on a rush of rage at a man he’d never meet, the one who’d turned his back on Hannah and his unborn child.

  “After that day, Paul stopped calling me. I finally phoned him, desperate enough to swallow my pride. He told me it was my problem and if I brought him into it, he’d have his mother use her connections to see to it that I lost my scholarship and his father would back her up.”

  “Nice family.”

  She seemed not to hear him, lost in the past. “I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I couldn’t tell the Murrays. They’d been the only two people who’d been kind to me. How could I disappoint them like that? So one night, I poured it all out to my roommate at the dorm. Connie and I weren’t really close, but I guess I just had to tell someone. She told me she’d get the name of a doctor who did abortions. But I’d need four hundred dollars. It might as well have been four million.”

  Hannah drew in a deep breath, hurrying now to get past the worst part. “Connie tried to be a good friend. She borrowed the money for me, but by then, I’d changed. I wasn’t even showing yet, but the baby had become real to me. I decided that, somehow, I’d find a way to raise my child if I had to scrub floors to do it. Connie was upset that I wouldn’t go through with the abortion. She’d had one the summer before, and it was no big deal, she said. But I knew it wasn’t right for me. All I could think of was that, despite the way the baby had been conceived, this was my child, my flesh and blood.”

  “So what did you do?” Had she given the baby up for adoption? Was that why she’d said she didn’t want children now, because out there somewhere was her own growing up without her?

  “I know now that I wasn’t being very realistic, but I was determined. I made all these plans—quit school at the end of the semester, get a better job, a place to live. But the Fates weren’t through with me yet.” Hannah couldn’t prevent the bitterness from coming through. “A week later, I started to bleed badly. The pain was awful, and I was so scared. Connie had gone home for the weekend, which I seldom did. I’ve been alone so much of my life, but I’d never felt so alone as that night.”

  Joel scooted up to her and took her in his arms. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that by yourself. Paul’s a bastard who didn’t deserve you.”

  She wasn’t crying, had already shed so many tears over the child that would never be that she had none left. Nevertheless, her voice was shaky. “I thought God was punishing me. I sat up all night, holding that bloody towel
and just rocking, wondering if I’d make it through.”

  Hannah felt Joel’s strong heartbeat under her hand where it rested on his chest, and took comfort in his closeness. She took a moment longer, then went on. “I did something then that now I realize must have come from being totally exhausted, drained, half out of my mind with fear and grief. About three in the morning, I went outside into the yard behind the dorm. It was spring and the ground was soft from a recent rain.”

  She remembered the heavy scent of lilacs from a nearby bush, the bark of a dog from some distant house, the moon lighting her path. She remembered everything as if it were yesterday. “I fell to the ground and dug a hole under this old maple tree and buried the towel there.” She choked on a dry sob, her breath hitching out. “I buried my baby there. I know it was just a bloody towel, but not to me. Not to me.”

  He pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head, wishing he hadn’t asked her to relive such devastating memories. Hot, scalding tears finally fell onto his chest. He hoped they’d cleanse her, heal her.

  “I wanted to die so I couldn’t feel so much pain. I wanted to crawl right in that hole with my child who’d never had a chance. I couldn’t tell anyone, couldn’t yell and scream at the Fates, couldn’t weep except behind closed doors. No one understood, no one could help.” She held on to him and waited for the waves of remembered pain to pass.

  He understood so much now. “That’s what bothered you so much that day in the barn on the ranch, isn’t it? It brought everything back, the colt dying, the mare’s cool indifference. It was your miscarriage, not memories of your childhood, that upset you.”

  She was surprised he understood so well. “Yes. I can go for days, even weeks, when I don’t think of that time. Then suddenly, something triggers a memory, and I go into such a black mood that I scare myself.”